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1. Striking out on three pitches looking today.
2. He has three first names as his full name. Donald Thomas Kelly. Never, and I mean never, trust anyone with three first names.
3. Seriously, do you expect a baseball player named “Don Kelly” to ever be good at anything in sports?
4. He is already 30 years old. He’s not going to get any better.
5. The whole missing the fly ball in the Metrodome thing last year. Duh.
6. His career “Joe Morgan friendly” numbers are .222, 0, 3 in 101 plate appearances.
7. His career OPS+ is 53. An average ballplayer is 100.
8. He is not particularly good anywhere on the field. Raburn and Santiago can play anywhere, too. He is not necessary to the team.
9. He was taken in the eighth round of the 2001 draft by the Tigers. Six picks later, Kevin Youkilis was selected. Sigh.
10. Also selected after Kelly in the ’01 draft were Luke Scott, Stephen Drew, Geovany Soto, Dan Uggla, Jason Bartlett, Chris Young, Jonny Gomes, Zach Duke, Ian Kinsler, Nick Blackburn, Chad Gaudin, Nick Markakis, and Andre Ethier. Depressing.
11. Even the Pirates released Don Kelly.
12. He went to Mt. Lebanon High School. He is probably a terrorist.
13. His sister spells her name “Ashlee.” Any girl that spells her name with two e’s on the end probably has STDs, a tattoo on her lower back, and/or owns a Brandon Inge jersey.
14. His sister is a better athlete than he is. This is only acceptable if your name is Reggie Miller.
15. He is currently taking up a roster spot that could go to players that could actually contribute off the bench like Jeff Larish, Casper Wells, and Ryan Strieby. Again, Raburn or Santiago can play the utility role.
16. When he comes into the game, it usually means one of our few decent hitters like Damon or Ordonez are leaving the game.
17. He went to Point Park University, a liberal arts college in Pittsburgh. Really? And he’s a baseball player?
18. He is probably a Steelers fan. If so, he should not be allowed to breed.
19. He is not Marcus Thames.
20. He is not Timo Perez.
21. He will make $405,000 this year. Can you imagine making $400K to be terrible at your job?
22. He killed Corey Haim (this may not be true).
23. Jim Leyland loves him. That automatically means he is terrible.
24. Sometimes, he is referred to as “Donnie.” This gives me flashbacks to New Kids on the Block and makes my eyes bleed.
25. The worst offense of all: He is making me start to miss Clete Thomas.
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I thought this was funny, even if no one knows who he is
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