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These
are called paraprosdokian sentences. The first half has one meaning and
the second gives it a whole new meaning.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I
stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat
you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. (think about it)
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in
a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly, and for the same reason.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed
to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
payments.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
Some people are like Slinkys ... not really good for anything, but you
can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you
don't need it.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and
50 for Miss America ?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you
wish they were.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by
a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
are called paraprosdokian sentences. The first half has one meaning and
the second gives it a whole new meaning.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I
stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat
you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. (think about it)
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in
a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly, and for the same reason.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed
to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
payments.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
Some people are like Slinkys ... not really good for anything, but you
can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you
don't need it.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and
50 for Miss America ?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you
wish they were.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by
a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
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